Feb. 1
Johnny Cash has an album called My Mother’s hymnal. I look at a few of those old songs and test some but find myself falling down a burning ring of fire. The flames go higher. Ring of Fire.
Feb. 2
I notice some of the bulbs are showing their little green heads. I feel fine looking at these signs of Spring. It is well with my soul. With my soul.
Feb. 3
Saturday morning. Sunrise is coming faster now. Sometimes it takes me by surprise and I have to sing whatever comes to mind. Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu. Chanting quietly, softly and moving into the day.
Feb. 4
It’s Lisa’s birthday celebration and we are going to the salt caves. I am in the kitchen with Terri and we are talking about the salt caves and realize it is time to sing. She starts humming. “Our house, in the middle of the street…” On the kitchen counter are flowers in a vase and David Earl is sprawled out across the stove island under the lamp. We are laughing now as life used to be so hard but now everything is easy ‘cause of you…
Feb. 5
I have a really great memory of Marshall on a zip line. It was a gift from Saige before she went back to NYC. She had all her parents there. Me and Larry, Larry’s girlfriend Courtney and Marshall. I am terrified of heights but Marshall was not. Somehow just keeping my eyes on him as we flew over the mountaintop canopy made everything seem alright.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird fly
Feb. 6
I miss being silly. I haven’t been silly in such a long time and even though I can laugh and have fun I miss being playful. This week is full of dinner with friends and tonight I am having Anne over. A cowgirl in pearls and boots, raising chickens, reading books and making beautiful things. She can Contra dance, Swing and shake it to Zydeco. We have ridden together on Marwari horses across the Punjabi desert. I am looking forward to seeing her.
There is a song I used to sing to Marshall in the car on our way to eat Tacos.
I asked him once if we could sing it at our wedding. He pulled a Mahan and said “That’s a good idea”. If you could hear me you would know I am clearing my throat a little as I look down my glasses to tell you it was not sung at our wedding.
But when you feel a little rough around the edges you understand that in spite of yourself you’ll end up a sittin’ on a rainbow. And against all odds well you’re the big door prize. You might spite the nose right off your face but then there’s nothing but big ole hearts dancin’ in your eyes.
Feb. 7
I feel the need to dance. Spring is coming. I have a memory of Billy St. Pierre getting us all in trouble at a school dance doing the dog. The nasty dog. The Atomic Dog. Bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay bow wow yippie yo yippie yah.
Feb. 8
Still feeling the need to dance. I think it is time to bring Kayne to the party. I am getting a little off my theme of gratitude but I am having so much fun my heart is grateful. I think of singing in the car with little Rebekah when she was barely in her 20’s. Get down girl, go ‘head get down. Get down girl, go ‘head get down.
Feb. 9
Sometimes I want things I don’t need. When that happens I just have to let the desire pass through me like a bad meal. When my son and daughter were small and they couldn’t have what they wanted there was one song I could count on to put it in perspective.
You can’t always get what you want but if you try real hard you just might find you get what you need.
Feb. 10
We have guests staying in the room downstairs and I am whispering my song this morning out the open window of the bathroom. I feel like I am sneak smoking and I am blowing rings but really I am just quietly singing into the morning tree tops. It is the song I know by heart Come thou fount of every blessing…
I meet my sister in law Julia at the Owl and we catch up about life, work, love and impregnating goats. Julia is hoping for some goat milk. She teaches me that there are only 3 days in a 18-21 day cycle that a goat is fertile and only one of those three is she a willing participant in the process of impregnation. She doesn’t have a male goat and that complicates the process as well. Artificial insemination is expensive and only a 50% chance of working. I listen and wish I lived closer to this woman. I wish I could help her with her goats and chickens and dogs.
Feb. 11
Carpool Karaoke with Terri and Betsy
It is raining this morning. Betsy comes to the house to pick us up. Terri has been working on her Mardi Gras parade costume in which she wears stilts and looks like a very hip big bird. We get into Betsy’s Subaru and start driving to west Asheville and go down by the river. We warm up with here comes the sun and then sing about 3 little birds on our doorstep. We are laughing and sound pretty good. We sit watching the rain, steaming up the window and catch up. Day two of pastries at the Owl.
Feb. 12
Tom Waits. You Can Never Hold Back Spring. My little crocus buds are showing the smallest amount of purple. It’s raining but not frigid cold. I go to a warm yoga class after work and when I come out I see my phone has been blowing up. One of these calls is from Jeffrey. I can hear “Oh Canada” in my head and I think of the friendship he and Marshall shared. We catch up about his and Diana’s time in Spain, the Holidays and then we talk about Hannah’s biking adventure from Vancouver back to her east coast home. She plans to start on June 13th, the day Marshall passed. Jeff and Marshall did so many biking adventure together and it was Jeff that was with Marshall when Marshall first saw me on Match. Just hearing Jeff’s voice makes me smile and remember how much fun Marshall was and how much fun we all had together. When I tell him about the blog I ask if he has a song for me.
Feb. 13
Raindrops keep falling on my head is Jeff’s request. Yep. It has been raining for days now and this is such a perfect song. Terri and I give it our best, laughing and singing because I’m free and nothin’s worrin’ me” da da, dadadadadadada, da da da da….
After work I teach yoga and then meet up with Beth. It is hard to keep up with this woman. She is a petite power house of smart, fun and style. We meet at Little Jumbo. Her eyes are always bright and she misses nothing. She pulls a present out of her purse. “For you on Galentine’s Day!” It is a card that is a cut out of Jane Austen. It comes with sticky phrases that you can pin on Jane like “You have delighted us enough.” I love this woman. We are getting to know each other better. Marshall is the common thread and we talk about when Marshall brought me to their home. They were the vetting team. But the part of my life that she knows little about is the time before Marshall. The time when I was married to another man for 17 years. The man I had children with and started a business with and wasn’t married to anymore when I met Marshall. So on Galentine’s Day, this other me, is the person she learns about.
Come Sunrise 